Jump to content
Ace Forum

Leaderboard


Popular Content

Showing most liked content since 08/24/2018 in all areas

  1. 9 points
    fractal*

    The Greatest Monday of the Year

    Feeling really chuffed. Person I was doing a PIP appeal for got their Enhanced Daily Living. Also added bonus of trying not to burst out laughing as the judge calmly tore the DWP representative and the DWP a new one
  2. 9 points
    scaggy

    Friday Extended Weekend Precursor

    Okay. Here's SCAGGY'S FACTORY WORK STORY My 5th/6th childhood home, with my step-dad etc, was right opposite a 24-hour aluminium extrusion factory, over a train track. (I slept in the room with the boiler.) How did I sleep with all that noise? Remember that thing about me being an alcoholic.....? Anyway, the first holiday from university I worked at that factory all summer, this was the place with the "get a job student....what do you think I'm doing here?" and the "I can't read you idiot" guy. The second summer I went back to a different agency because they had a job where I could sit down and construct some kind of telephony devices. The company was being taken over by a German conglomerate at the time and mid-way through the summer they were going to have this big party at the Pump Rooms (a big thing in Cheltenham). However, controversially, the students weren't being invited to the summer party, because they were agency workers and not actually employed by the company. (join a union folks). I gave no thought to this until one of the other students found out that in fact, half the people on our floor were agency workers, and that they'd basically singled out students. Actually, I still didn't give a fuck, but someone did enough to make a big thing out of it to head office, and they were like "sure you guys can come, who said you couldn't?" It turned out there was some woman in charge who hated students. (lots of people hate students) Anyway, so we (me and mates) decide to go to the party, chiefly on the promise of free alcohol, but also because this woman is loudly complaining now, saying if she finds out who complained she'll get her husband to beat them up. On the day of the party, I'm on the machine, and she literally comes up and tells me to go home. I'm like "what?" she's like "go home, you work too slow." and she's like, "Shall I get security?" and so I pick up my things and she's like "no free alcohol for you!" Anyway, I go to the agency and complain, and the guy there basically says there's nothing they can do. I'm like "well, surely there has to be a warning before I'm made redundant?" and he's like "you haven't been made redundant. You're an agency worker." (folks, join a union). So I am very annoyed about not getting to go to the party, so grab my guitar and go to the pump rooms, make a sign that says "Laid off, broke, thirsty" and basically stand right outside the perimeter, next to this woman, busking. And people start bringing me free drinks basically like "well you're a wally, but you've got a nerve so fair play" And then this woman is screaming at people not to give me drinks, but everyone is pissed up and telling her to fuck off, and the more she tried to stop people (actually grabbing drinks out of people's hands) the more they're bring whiskey over. Eventually, she starts crying and screams at her fella to take her home, and he walks up, and he's like 4 foot 11 or something, and me and my mates are screaming with laughter, and then we fucked out to score some drugs, and that is my factory work story.
  3. 8 points
  4. 8 points
    fractal*

    No pun Thurs

    3l of Frosty Jack and a bottle of Bell's {1 hour later} "I would like to fight all the men my good sir."
  5. 8 points
    Fucking dyin’ here. Sat in the break room, some guy is talking about “shakra”. Fucking boring guy is there turns round and is like “DID YOU SAY SHAKRAS? That’s something you don’t hear about much anymore.” Currently can’t eat my lunch.
  6. 8 points
  7. 8 points
    Gavin 2.0

    FRIDAYFRIDAYFRIDAY

    [/Dean Martin lyrics first draft]
  8. 8 points
    Burch

    If you need me I'll be upthurs

    Anyone ever notice that Wizbit looks a bit like a plane?
  9. 8 points
    Univers

    If you need me I'll be upthurs

    find jean shopping quite hard due to having disproportionately large thighs
  10. 8 points
    Reminded me of this which I liked so much at the time I stuck it in my journal (around 1998) it’s from melody maker. This is not the start of me publishing my teenage diaries on Ace, for clarity.
  11. 7 points
    Burch

    WED you're smiling.

  12. 7 points
    Olly

    FRI - A Day Of BIG Drops

    Reckon he should have done that old trick. Always make the first letter of the sentence a letter in the actual message. Now this means you can talk about anything you want. Doesn't have to be relevant or even coherent. You see it in old spy films. I think maybe more spoofs than actual spy films. Still, you get what i mean. Also this is a trick you can use in everyday life. Wouldn't it be funny if it was happening right now? And it's only at this point that you start to go back to the top of this post. Nah no one's that sad are they? Koff! Even so you're thinking about it aren't you? Right so, don't worry about it.
  13. 7 points
    scaggy

    monday monday, everyone's loving monday

    Some big truck shouted “learn to drive" at me because I’d stopped to let some ducks cross the road. I was like THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT I’M DOING
  14. 7 points
    GUBE

    FRIDAYFRIDAYFRIDAY

    once when I was a paperboy I found a quid and it was stuck to the floor and I heard some laughing and a guy holding a tube of Loctite, I kicked it a couple of times and it came loose and he chased me for it!
  15. 7 points
    Stumpedmolar

    FRIDAYFRIDAYFRIDAY

    once found a £20 on the floor and picked it up and it was a photocopy and said "Ahhhhhhhhhh! Wanker!" on the back!
  16. 7 points
    Univers

    If you need me I'll be upthurs

    Apparently beds share 98% of their DNA with Axl
  17. 7 points
    Olly

    Wedlock holiday

    I HATE Sebastian Cobb!
  18. 7 points
    scaggy

    Wedlock holiday

    You're playing Minecraft.
  19. 7 points
    Univers

    The Greatest Monday of the Year

    *please enter a valid postcode
  20. 6 points
    boss currently listening to the teresa may speech, that'll be my afternoon convo sorted then
  21. 6 points
    Univers

    Thurton Albion

    Trash just sums up the mid 90s for me, which was when our area got wheelie bins
  22. 6 points
    scaggy

    Monder Milkwood

    Last time I was in London me an the missus were walking home and we kept seeing these aging mod blokes, Weller-cuts, parkas, Londsdale shirts, desert boots, antennae, thorax, exoskeletons, sorry that's ants, anyway a couple of them stopped me and ask where the "thing was happening" and I realised they thought i was one of them so I went home and listened to Gene Vincent all night. Alright?
  23. 6 points
  24. 6 points
    GUBE

    Something For The Weekend

    not a fan of schadenfreude or Jack Monroe particularly HOWEVER
  25. 6 points
    scaggy

    FRI - A Day Of BIG Drops

    AltAngst?
  26. 6 points
    scaggy

    FRI - A Day Of BIG Drops

    L-R stumpy, cuppa, shoebox
  27. 6 points
    Olly

    No pun Thurs

    /rejected Julie Andrews lyrics
  28. 6 points
    scaggy

    Films

  29. 6 points
  30. 6 points
    scaggy

    If you need me I'll be upthurs

    If beds came from hay why do we still have hay?
  31. 6 points
    Shoebox

    If you need me I'll be upthurs

    This is what it sounds like when @Pamela Doove cries
  32. 6 points
    "my tits are up here mate"
  33. 6 points
  34. 6 points
    Univers

    The Greatest Monday of the Year

    when i listen to that side by side with her american counterpart Ke$sha whos sold £14 million units i think their a step above us
  35. 6 points
    Olly

    Wedney you plonker!

  36. 6 points
    Univers

    Wedney you plonker!

  37. 6 points
    Zaireeka

    Bank Holyday weekend

  38. 5 points
    Under the Table: The Unauthorised Biography of Percy Shaw
  39. 5 points
    Univers

    WED you're smiling.

    just found footage of The Predator trying to reboot the franchise
  40. 5 points
    Stumpedmolar

    Something For The Weekend

    Just been for some brekkie down the road...got there and there were two eastern european lads and no one else in the place... they'd finished... one of 'em left while the other went to pay... except he doesn't just bloody pay he starts chatting up the bulgarian waitress!!! ... but in a persistent, sex pesty way that must be acceptable in less repressed cultures (than prestwich)... sounds like he's likely been in and done this before bcs the waitress asks "did you follow me"? (hope on social media!) and he says he did... and after that he's trying to GIVE her a mobile phone when she tells him hers is broken (when he tries to give her his number)... he says the phone is "just an old one" that he doesn't need... i'm, like, what's this about, then? and he tries to give it her several times though she resolutely declines (i'll be honest, by this point i'm thinking: local pimp!)... I'm still waiting to order, recall! he's obviously put out that i want to, like, buy a brekkie in a cafe... at this point she does serve me... but... NO MUSHROOMS... i'm fine with that... have to go and ask Mrs Stumpy if she wants something different... no, of course not... same but with no mushrooms.. eastern european pimp still rabbiting on when i come back... still put out that i'm muscling in by trying to order food in a cafe... this time i just step in front and talk over him... not got all day (debatable, actually). he eventually does leave and i see him pull out from round the corner in a big black range rover (with his little mate in the passenger seat) so now i'm thinking DEFFO PIMP (come on!). anyway, 5 min. later in comes some bloke who i vaguely recognise and who Mrs Stumpy says is a barrister in town and a tosser. he doesn't see us... by now our brekkies have turned up... i'm moaning about the lack of bread (£7.50!) and the fact the fork prongs aren't pointy enough to pierce the skin on the cherry tomatoes... he goes and orders some... granola crap and a smoothie... VERY LOUD... also starts rabbiting on at the waitress... literally, first question is "where do you come from?" (bit rude!)... obviously, he knows all about bulgaria (course he does!) so starts telling the bulgarian waitress bulgaria facts! (i'm, like, mate! if there's one thing this waitress possibly might know more about than you it's bulgaria!) tells her his name "my name is Richard!" ...have you ever done that in a cafe? proper creepy! she's probably... i want to say 23... he's about 45! near the start of the conversation he compliments her on her english (literally "YOU SPEAK... ENGLISH... VERY WELL" - no!) then near the end asks "where did you learn English"? I suppose there are only a few conversational gambits open to him?! and only leaves when even more people come in. tl/dr: basically: don't ever be a bulgarian waitress! /diary post.
  41. 5 points
    Just put him on ignore.
  42. 5 points
  43. 5 points
    Though 'The Custard Factory' was the name of a file that Scaggy sent Axl!
  44. 5 points
    GUBE

    FRIDAYFRIDAYFRIDAY

    been working up to trying to write something about the ice cream shop across the street. i go in maybe once a week as a little treat for doing some words or going for a ride. problem is it's the most chaotic operation ever. they insist you sit down, try and usher you to a seat, even if you just want take out. i never want to sit in because for some reason the shop is always boiling and besides i live literally a stone's throw away. the staff are always super stressed out even though the most people have ever been in at once is maybe 7. the guy who manages it has a vein sticking out on his temple and every time i go in there's a new trainee who is more gormless than the last (today's held up the ice cream spoon that goes in the take away cup and was like "is this it?" to her boss). anyway it's standard fare but add to all of this that this was playing FULL BLAST, i think it might be a performance art bit
  45. 5 points
    Olly

    Wedlock holiday

  46. 5 points
  47. 5 points
    So.....I'm back.....YAY! *sigh* Was in two minds about posting about my break, because I'm feeling all positive and shit, and didn't really need a whole load of snarky, judgy replies from the usual suspects here. But you know what? I can't be arsed to start working properly yet, having been through a whole load of pointless emails, so here goes: MEXICO Won't do a day by day breakdown because utterly self-indulgent and not exactly content heavy. But to put things simply, this was one of the best holidays I've ever had. It was the perfect blend of relaxation and adventure. Just to start, the hotel was total #amazeballs. Honestly the friendliest, most helpful people I have ever encountered. Not too big (about 300 rooms), amazing food, absolutely spotless and incredibly beautiful. Went snorkelling every day and there were fabulous corals and fish and turtles right in front of the hotel. No need to go seeking them out. It really was a blissful experience. I did some yoga! And although I really could have spent the two weeks in the hotel's loving embrace, we found time to get out and see some of the Yucatan Penisula. Spent half a day visiting a cenote (travelled here on the back of a flat-bed truck), swimming though caves, getting eaten alive by mossies, seeing bats and simply having an amazing time. Another day out at Coba, one of the last Mayan pyramids you can still climb (didn't fancy the 6 hour round trip to Chitzenitza). Me and Ange climbed it, could have wrung my shirt out by the time we'd got to the top. So hot, but so worth it. Another day, visited Tulum, which are more Mayan ruins, but on the coastline, so no pyramids but still cool. But the best day was when we went out on boats around the mangroves. Just a great experience. Saw fresh water dolphins, giant sea turtles, crocs, pelicans. Also stopped off to snorkel around the second largest coral reef in the world. This was a pretty special experience and was aided by a bit just general niceness. A girl who was in our group had lost a leg 5 years ago, and she initially stayed on the boat with Isla (who'd had a bit of a confidence hit the previous day, due to a snorkel leak). Anyway, they managed to persuade each other to finally get in and tears were shed, as the lady overcame her fears. Was amazing. We finished off the trip just floating around a private bay, with crystal clear waters. Then that evening, we went for a moonlight stroll along our beach, to see baby turtles hatching! Around 90 on them dug out from a nest, before being released safely into the sea. OMG! Seriously, absolutely loved it. Will definitely go back! EOTR So after a couple of days home from the Americas, myself, Stax and Pooch sauntered off the world's greatest music festival. We're getting older, so not a huge amount of hi-jinx to report, but needless to say, much beer was drunk, the sun came out for us and we foolishly threw ourselves into the mosh-pit for Oh Sees. Saw loads of great acts, the only real disappointments were missing a few must sees due to clashes (Gruff Rhys and Hookworms) or not wanting to face the tents because it was such lovely weather (Amen Dunes, Tirzah), Destroyer's shortened set due to his late arrival (was particularly annoying because they were soooooo good for that 25 minutes) and Julia Holter being a bit rubbs (possible unfair appraisal due to serious fatigue setting in by Sunday afternoon). There were a LOT of female singer-songwriters, so it sometimes felt a little samey, but they were all (mostly) very good in their own way. Caught up briefly with Ted, but missed Bubbs Musical Highlights: Destroyer Mulate Astake Feist Flatworms David Thomas Broughton Hayley Heynderickx Food Highlights: Polental (cheesy polenta bites in a lentil ragu) Lamb, fennel and garlic dumplings Buffalo tofu wings Tickets purchased for next year!
  48. 5 points
    Zaireeka

    SLABBAW

    Oh well, as long as he hasn't tried the farmer jumping naked in to the haymaker(?) trick on one of his giant print machines.
  49. 5 points
    amnesiac

    Welcome to your Friday thread...

    Reminds me of that Taransay place, BBC Castaway which some people say was the first ever reality show. Ben Fookin Fogle! he went up Everest on ITV yesterday on the tax payer's dolla! HE IS SO SMUG he got to the top then started crying and said, to camera/ audience, 'climb your own Everest, whatever that may be' FUCK OFF MATE I have to work the bins every day I bet the Ghurkas behind him were in shorts, smoking fags, all going like 'what's he crying for?'
  50. 5 points
    Burch

    Bank Holyday weekend

    I have a zip-up hoodie which is way too big for me. When it falls off one of my shoulders I start pretending I'm Natalie Imbruglia. Not a weird thing I wrote, this is brand new.
×